You can't always get what you want



Some people seem to have the mistaken impression that life is somehow easier to others than it is to them. For some reason, I am usually one of those people who others' think have no problems, no issues, and life is just a breeze and a walk in the park. I hope you're not surprised to hear things aren't exactly like that.

Let me tell you a story...

In June 2017 Mark and I decided we would like to become parents. If you are the tiniest bit close to me you probably know that I do not have kids. Since June 2017, I have done many things in the path to motherhood. I cryopreserved my eggs. Seventeen of them. I also stopped taking birth control, and I collected precise data about my cycles to increase my chances of naturally getting pregnant. I then went back to the clinic where I did the cryopreservation of the eggs, and after a couple of conversations, Mark and I decided we would try IVF to conceive our first child.

That last part of the process started in November last year. I had another round of egg retrieval and we successfully had 4 PGS "normal" embryos to then use. While doing the pre-checks for the actual IVF procedure, I learned I had a septum in my uterus and talking to the doctor we decided to remove it. The procedure failed because I also have a S shaped cervix. More tests, S shaped cervix now a known piece of the puzzle, there we go. Septum removed.

Our first embryo transfer was on February 25th. I was sad to miss a work event offsite but my priorities were clear. I had to get this sorted. This cycle resulted in what they call a chemical pregnancy. 

The second embryo transfer was in April 13th. This time no chemical pregnancy, just nothing. I knew I was starting to have my normal period cramps, and there it was: another failure.

Our third embryo transfer would also be the last in the United States. We are moving to Europe in about 10 days, so we knew it would be the last chance here. The transfer was on May 9th, and yesterday I learned it also failed.

This isn't quite what we had planned. We had planned to move and start our family, and the interesting thing is that most people take fertility for granted and do not think about it much, until it becomes this large elephant in the room. From the start, I decided to be very open to friends, family and work friends about this whole thing. I am a very transparent person and it wouldn't feel  genuine if I was just doing this alone and silently, pretending it wasn't happening.

So what now? 

To be honest, I do not know. Mark and I had this plan to move to Europe, spend time with our families and climb some outdoors. We'll do that. What about kids? We do not really know. Maybe it will happen naturally? Maybe we'll resort to adoption? All I know right now is that life doesn't always happen the way you plan, and it is like that for every single person. 

All you can pick in those moments is how to handle disappointment. Yesterday I was very quiet. I cried a lot. Today I spent my day on the couch dealing with moving stuff (address change, migration of phone, etc). Now it is probably time to get off my pjs, enjoy the company of the great people I have with me on this vacation trip, and have some fun. Let the universe do its job.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime you find you get what you need"

Comments

Ralf said…
Nanda, keep strong as you are, don't loose your faith!

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